Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
buys donuts instead
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one