Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.