who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
never forget
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.