who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
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Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
where do you see yourself in five years?
Labreador
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Today’s tshirt
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Arrest that man!
sliding into dms like
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical