Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
You Might Also Like
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.