Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Just a phase…
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
The Sun’s probably Asian.