Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
tax refund: $12.07
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.