Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.