Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
