Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
peep davidson
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised