who called it hell and not heaven’t
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[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
What personal space?
My dog
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating