Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats