Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Found the job I’m suited for
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
c’mon!
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.