Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money