Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Hmm, not sure about this change
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.