Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house