Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.