Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
i spent way too long on this
◾️
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.