Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree