Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.