Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
You Might Also Like
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Word!