Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
You Might Also Like
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
scares
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Today’s Times
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The median voter
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778