Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Cha-ching is my safe word
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
We need to put an American base on the sun
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.