Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
The booster protects against what, now?
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.