Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Mistakes were made

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!