Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Awesome parenting 😂
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means