Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.