Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
The news is so predictable nowadays
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”