Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is