Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
🖕🏻👽
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
oh u like history? name everything that happened
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit