Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.