who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
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Reporter: *ports again*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.