Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours