Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands