Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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The first one, obviously
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
I love you to the refrigerator and back
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My five year plan is a meteorite
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os