Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
make up your mind
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”