who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You Might Also Like
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.