Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
This was my dad’s browser history.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Breaking news:
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic