Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*