Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How your email finds me

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

all that yoga finally paid off

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls