Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
middle school in the ’90s
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
There is no “we” in pizza
