Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”