Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.