Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex