Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*skinny dips into black hole
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.