Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

shampoo implies shampee

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

🗽

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.