Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
A great first step 😂
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Merry Christmas
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open