Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.