Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”