Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
You Might Also Like
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
cause of death:
autopsy.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position