Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?