Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me