Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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