@papasuncle

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

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@burrowed_deep

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@radtoria

Spider Island
Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort.
Day 2: I was wrong.

@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@wickedimproper

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@Bandersnaaatch

Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.

@hippieswordfish

when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent