Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


Spider Island
Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort.
Day 2: I was wrong.


People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.


Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”



Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk


Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent