Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

💀💀💀💀

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

im gay on my mothers side