Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Just a bush.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.