Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

I gave up going to work for lent.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

This why you should mind your business

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

That’s fair