Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I falcon love using swear birds
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed