Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”