Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
#parenting
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.