Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
You Might Also Like
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
no cat here
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My boss called in sick of me
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.