Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.