Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.