Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
You Might Also Like
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
dude it’s called proctologist
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train