Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe