Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW