Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I never needed anything more in my life
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!