Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
mentally somewhere in italy
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genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
same energy
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