Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all