Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S