Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”