Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Pat is about to own someone
my one true gender
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.