Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shark week, but for squirrels.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.