Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

my professor scared me for a second

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.