who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.