Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Me, in DM rooms…
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea