Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on